It’s damned if you don’t, and it’s damned if you do

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This is not the blog post I was meant to be writing. It was meant to be 4 weeks later and a lot happier.

Some of you may have guessed from our relative silence about the whole thing that our most recent embryo transfer wasn’t a complete failure. You’d have been right – on St. Patrick’s Day I learned I was pregnant. On April 1st we had our 6-week scan and everything looked on track with a perfect little heart-beat and everything. We had a small bit of bleeding later that evening, but as it didn’t continue, we managed to curtail our panic, and follow along the usual path. Things seemed fine and normal; I felt a little queasy, I felt a little achey, we both felt ecstatic and hopeful.

Yesterday morning, at the 8-week scan, we learned that our tiny baby no longer had a beautiful heart-beat, and seemed to have stopped growing at some point the previous week. We were, and are feeling pretty kicked and heartsore. I don’t really feel like talking about it, and I’m not sure when I will. But I suppose I wanted to not hide it either. He (or she) lived for a while. His heart beat and now it doesn’t anymore, and we feel a very very keen loss.

So, what now? Apparently we wait. For reasons of protocol, we must wait until a second scan on Wednesday to “confirm” before I can stop taking progesterone and oestrogen. But don’t let that fool you into thinking there is hope, there isn’t, this is just procedure. (So please don’t ask me if it “just might be too early” or anything like that, because it hurts to try to explain again).

After that, we wait and hope I miscarry naturally (the very thought of which makes me shake with fear), because the alternative is a D&C and that could impact future conception.

After that … well, I wonder if things would be different if we didn’t have four frozen embryos still waiting for  us. I don’t know when we’ll cycle again. Decisions like that are a long way in the future, but I think we will try again. We’re slowly getting through the hours at the moment, functioning as best we can, crying sometimes and holding each other a lot. We don’t regret in the slightest the people we told of our pregnancy, for they got to celebrate the happiness of the brief new life, and mourn with us and support us now.

Today we planted a small garden for Aramis (that was his embryo name, after René d’Aramis de Vannes from the Three Muskateers) and our other 3 muska-embryos. One of the little rose bushes is called “Dawn Chorus”, the other “Thinking of You”. (You can click to see bigger images.) It helped a bit.




26 Responses to “It’s damned if you don’t, and it’s damned if you do”

  1. Pablo Says:

    I wish I had comforting words for you two, but I guess that in this kind of situation, words hardly help. Let me just say I’ll keep Aramis in my thoughts, and will send a whole lot of awesome karmic wishes his way.

    It might sound slightly silly and empty, but still, I do believe you’re doing a great job. I believe in you guys. Hang in there.

  2. Jess Says:

    Thinking of you. I know how hard it is, and especially the feeling like you need to “comfort” those who are trying to “comfort” you. It’s good you are telling them what you need.

    lots of love.

  3. sunnymama Says:

    I’m so very sorry for your loss and you are in my thoughts. The little garden is beautiful. xxx

  4. Sarah Says:

    Ah bugger bugger bugger bugger bugger bugger bugger. When the 22nd (the date you said you’d “know by” when you had the implantation) came and went I got all jittery and me and Fiona asked did either hear anything and no, we hadn’t, but rest didn’t want to poke/ask and we wondered to each other did not hearing anything mean there was nothing to hear and it hadn’t worked but I kinda thought that wasn’t consistent with your attitude to upfront honesty about the whole thing and that maybe no news was good news and I started to get quietly hopeful :(

    I am so, so sorry that this horrible, stupid thing has happened and that you have to go though it. It’s worse than if nothing had happened at all, except, well, I suppose at least the little thing had a chance. But still it’s stupid and unfair and I wish any of us had a way of helping :( Stupid, stupid world. *stamps foot*

    Much, much love to you both, and I hope we’ll get a chance to see you soon. Though realistically it probably won’t be til after the wedding.

  5. Giffy Says:

    I am so sorry to hear of your loss. The garden seems like a wonderful memorial.

    I’m so glad you have each other. Thinking of you both(all?).

  6. Brian Says:

    So sorry to hear this, thinking of you both.

  7. Jen Says:

    What a beautiful tribute. Sending you prayers of strength sweetheart. I’m so so sorry you have to go through this loss.

  8. Dermo Says:

    ..

    I..

    I’m gutted for you both. Truly. I’m so sorry.

  9. cat Says:

    So sorry to hear this news. Thinking of you both and sending you much love. xx

  10. Alison Says:

    Im on IVF round 3 as well 1st didn’t work 2nd lost at 6.5 weeks. We are taking august off and gearing up for September. 3 frosties waiting for us. I know how you feel it was a complete blow to every cell in my body. Tears, emotions anger and disbelieving. Not ever sure Im okay 2 weeks later. Now trying natural diet and exercise changes hoping the one month break ill get prego on my own. I just tweeted you to if you want to connect.

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